You are unfortunately the victim of a slip-and-fall, an automobile accident or some other type of modern tragedy, and now you’re ready to seek compensation with the help of a professional law firm.
Congratulations, you’re officially a personal injury client! 🤕💰
But don’t update that Neiman Marcus wishlist just yet. Before you start daydreaming about being the face of a multimillion-dollar settlement, there are a few things you need to know about the personal injury process.
1- Not All Attorneys Will Care About You 💼
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to most because attorneys aren’t exactly known as man’s best friend. If you think being physically and emotionally broken after an injury will change how attorneys value clients versus their own pockets, you will be deeply disappointed.
Encountering the coldness some attorneys can easily dish out in the midst of one of your most vulnerable moments is chilling. If you’re expecting to be soothed, pampered, and treated like a fragile Fabergé egg, brace yourself: many attorneys have all the warmth of a downtown parking ticket.
2- You Will Be Rejected 🙅🏻♂️
Prepare yourself for rejection. Not “maybe,” not “possibly” but definitely. You might get the boot during your very first intake call (“Sorry, we’re not taking your case at this time…”), or you may get strung along for weeks before the firm “regretfully” realizes your case isn’t quite cash-cow enough.
Don’t take it personally. Law firms are just like dating apps: no matter how flawed they are, everyone’s looking for the perfect match, and your sprained ankle may not be it.
But don’t worry, the insurance company will finish the job if your attorney doesn’t. Their full-time gig is to reject, lowball, and make you question whether your injuries were just a fever dream. If a firm rejects you in under five minutes, at least demand a free pen.
3- The Settlement Timeline Is A Lie 🤥
That “quick turnaround” your attorney promised? Multiply by three, carry the one, then add several months of, “We’re just waiting to hear back, focus on your treatment.” If patience isn’t your thing, get ready to discover mindfulness by force. Time will become abstract.
4- You Will Lose Custody of Your Records At Least Once 👩🏼⚕️
If your medical records aren’t lost, they’ll be mysteriously “incomplete.” If they’re not incomplete, they’ll surely be wrong (“Oh, you’re the one with the stubbed toe, right?”). If you haven’t demanded to speak to at least one manager, supervisor, or the person who actually controls the fax machine, then you haven’t experienced the full chaos of personal injury paperwork.
There’s always one person who’s in charge of records for an entire region, but somehow only works two mornings a week, takes lunch at 10:45am, and has a voicemail greeting that says, “I’m headed back to Disney World. I’ll return your call within 7-10 business days.”
Get names, direct lines and (if bribery is your lane), their favorite coffee orders.
5- Insurance Adjusters Will Stalk Your Social Media 🕵🏽♂️
That cute beach picture you posted online at the perfect angle, with the sun hitting your face just right, after you spent two weeks eating avocado salads and fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt because you wanted to set an elaborate thirst trap for your newly single best guy “friend?” Suddenly that’s proof you’re not “that injured.”
The birthday dinner video you uploaded to Instagram of you and your best friends in matching miniskirts while wobbling in delicate heels? Suddenly that’s proof you’re perfectly fine to partake in festivities, and walk around without any support or “real pain.”
Just remember: In the world of insurance adjusters, a single blurry story of you dancing to an EDM remix of “Happy Birthday” at 2am is all the evidence they need to turn you from “victim” into “TikTok clout-chaser with a neck brace.”
6- Insurance Adjusters Aren’t Your Only Stalkers 👀
Personal injury cases can generate life-changing, tax-free money. Do not underestimate those who secretly follow your life, and also secretly hate you. You’re probably not as adorable as you think you are, and there is at least one person in your social circle who would like to see you fail.
Don’t give anyone the chance to take unauthorized photos or videos of you doing back handsprings at the company picnic while you’re simultaneously complaining of neck pain to your doctors. Remember: for every follower, there’s a hater with a zoom lens.
7- Be Prepared To Leave 📦
If your injury occurred at your place of employment or at a rental property where you reside, plan your exit. It doesn’t matter if you’re leasing a unit from your father’s third cousin twice removed: it will not end well.
Once insurance companies begin discussing premium increases or they start planting seeds of confusion, the injured party is on borrowed time. It is better to leave on your own than to be tossed out.
8- You Will Encounter Godawful Customer Service 🙄
There is an assumption that successful attorneys and doctors will have staff members with the same level of professionalism.
It will be surprising when you encounter a receptionist, medical assistant or office manager who is rude, arrogant and abrasive. It’s a humbling day when you realize the person faxing your MRI results once told you to get out of their checkout lane at Walmart.
9- The Case Manager Is Your New Parent 🫶🏻
Yes, your attorney has a lovely headshot on the website but you’ll probably never see them. You’ll be on a first-name basis with the paralegal or case manager, not the actual lawyer. They know your MRI schedule, your medication list, and how many times you’ve cried in a week.
Some of us are lucky, and will retain a lawyer we can frequently call and text, but this is considered a “unicorn attorney” and someone you encounter once every 27 years, like antimatter or Pennywise the Dancing Clown.
10- There’s No Such Thing As Closure 🥺
Settlement day is not a magic fix. Winning a lawsuit doesn’t erase the pain. It’s paperwork, direct deposit, and a deep sense of “That’s it?” The trauma, the rage; all of it lingers. You’ll get your check, maybe some flowers from the firm, and a lifetime of flashbacks every time you see a wet floor sign. But at least now you can buy yourself something nice from the mall.
Pro Tip:
If you wouldn’t want your least favorite ex to see it, don’t do it in public during a lawsuit.