Let’s be honest: hiring an attorney is like stepping into a confessional booth where only one of you is telling the truth. Your lawyer may fight for you, but they’ve also got a closet full of white lies and half-truths: polished, rehearsed, and delivered with a winning smile. Sometimes, the biggest battle isn’t in court; it’s figuring out what your attorney really means.
Here are the classics, decoded for real life:
1- “You can call me anytime.” 📱
Translation: “As long as it’s during business hours, not after 4pm on Fridays, and not about that one burning question you Googled at midnight.” Bonus points if you actually get them and not their gatekeeping paralegal.
2- “This is a slam dunk case.” 🏀
Translation: They haven’t read your file yet, but they’re sure you’ll sign the retainer if they say the magic words. No case is a sure thing.
3- “I’ll keep you updated.” 📅
Translation: If you want regular updates, set a reminder to call them every three weeks. Otherwise, prepare for radio silence until something blows up or settles.
4- “We treat every client like family.” 🧑🧑🧒🧒
Translation: Family they only see at Thanksgiving and forget to text the rest of the year. Don’t expect hugs and bedtime stories.
5- “It’s not about the money.” 💰
Translation: It is, in fact, always about the money. Except when they lose. Then it’s about “justice.”
6- “We’re aggressive negotiators.” 😤
Translation: They’ll send two emails, leave one voicemail, and hope the insurance adjuster is feeling generous that day. Aggression is relative.
7- “I have your best interests at heart.” 🩷
Translation: “And I also have a mortgage, a boat payment, and a bonus tied to your settlement.” Sometimes, your interests and theirs are on totally different continents.
8- “This won’t take long.” ⏳
Translation: Strap in, sweetie. You’re about to age a decade waiting for this case to wrap up.
9- “We’re working on your case as we speak.” 🗣️
Translation: They haven’t opened your file since the last time you called in tears. The file is physically under a stack of menus from last week’s lunches.
10- “You have my word.” 🤗
Translation: This is lawyer-speak for “cross your fingers and hope for the best.”
Pro Tip:
Every time your attorney says “Trust me,” start reading the fine print.