Every attorney has a list of things they desperately want to say, but never will because of the Bar, their boss, or just basic professionalism.
If you see yourself in any of these, don’t worry. You’re not alone.
1- “Stop Calling Me Every Day. I Don’t Even Call My Parents This Much.” 📵
If you’re texting your attorney every time your back twinges, I can guarantee you’re notorious at the law firm.
2- “I Can Tell When You’re Lying. And Yes, I Know You’re Lying Right Now.” 🧐
Attorneys have heard every story. If you suddenly can’t walk, but three weeks ago you were posting clips of yourself in an unofficial dance-off at your fraternity brother’s wedding reception, guess who’s rolling their eyes?
3- “I Care About Your Case, But I Care About Getting Paid More.” 💵
You are sweet. Your injuries are tragic. But unless there’s a fee at the end, you’re just another ‘good deed’ for your attorney’s malpractice carrier to flag.
4- “Yes, I Think You’re Hot. No, I Don’t Think You’re Worth Losing My License.” 😬
Most attorneys have a healthy fear of the Bar, their spouse, and their mortgage. You may get a heart emoji or a longer call, but you’re not getting a chapter in their disbarment hearing, no matter how good you look in your Instagram selfies.
5- “You Are Not Getting a Million Dollars. You Are Getting Enough for Therapy and a Decent Car.” 🚙
Lower those expectations and you’ll avoid a nervous breakdown (and so will he).
6- “If You Go on Vacation During Your Recovery, At Least Don’t Post It.” 🏝️
Sunburns and margarita selfies are Exhibit A for the defense. If she could, your attorney would beg you to disable Instagram until the case is resolved.
7- “Stop Comparing Me to That Billboard Lawyer With the Private Jet.” 🛩️
The billboard-on-every-street-corner lawyer has 100 paralegals and hasn’t tried a case since the iPod Nano was a thing. Your file would never be his priority.
8- “Yes, I’m Late Responding, Because I’m Dodging Your Texts Until You Calm Down.” 🕰️
He saw it. He sighed. He will answer… eventually. Try calling your sister first.
9- “I Sometimes Daydream About Referring You Out, But I Need the Numbers.” 🙃
You weren’t the worst client until you started emailing her articles about your legal rights, and mentioning “hypothetical” situations that involved calling the Bar on an attorney… for a friend.
10- “Yes, You’re the Reason I Have Daily Heartburn.” 🔥
Every time you send a 2,000-word email at 11:57 pm or call to ask if your case is moving fast enough, just know he’s reaching for the Tums. You’re not only making your attorney lose sleep. You’re making his legal assistant Google “early retirement,” and “how to block a client without letting them know they’re blocked.”
Pro Tip:
If you ever start an email with “Per my last email…” he’s screenshotting it for his friends. And if you close with, “Blessings,” he’s praying for a quick settlement.